Crisis Narrowly Averted (By Virtue of Not Being Real)

Oh fuck, no. Please, dear God, no.

I didn't think there could be a shittier president than George W. Bush, who basically spent 8 years wiping his balls with the Constitution and dreaming up new enemies to scare the piss out of everyone with. Well, Chuck Eddy of Rhapsody thought of someone. Three guesses who.

I knew going in that this could only be the most thinly disguised of April Fool's jokes, and of course I was right. But that's no excuse. It's possible Eddy could be held liable for any cardiac infarctions, any suicides, any large intestines shit clean out of the bowels of anyone who came across the article and thought it was real. I mean, I like a good prank, but come on. April Fool's Day is supposed to be about good-natured fun, not about brain-melting fucking terror.

I like how our Photoshopper up there has put Palin on the ticket with The Nuge. Because the only thing that makes more sense than running a gun-felching psycho for vice-president is running a childlike simpleton for president. I know it's not nice to make fun of the retarded, but seriously, Sarah Palin is retarded, and so is anyone who wants to vote for her. More retarded than an Adult Children of Thalidomide Drinkers meeting. More retarded than a Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job! cast party. More retarded than whatever ungodly monstrosities they have to scrape out of Palin's womb every six months and bury beneath a full moon immersed in a jar of formaldehyde and holy water. I guess what I'm saying is she's not particularly bright.

As for shutting the fuck up, Uncle Ted had a surprisingly painless interview recently wherein he volunteered some fairly fascinating information about his music (fascinating if you care about his music, which I don't, but I am aware that many do). I will also admit to being envious of that sweet-looking hollow-body Les Paul Ted is playing. Fair is fair, and that looks like a badass guitar. Really, the only thing in this interview I have real beef with is when he says:

An honest look at effective environmentalism would surely show that Republicans have a much better track record than the Democrats. Teddy Roosevelt safeguarded more critical wildlife habitat (sic) than any American ever.

I'm really, really fucking tired of modern Republicans taking credit for what old-school Republicans did before the party descended into religious fervor and became the stomping ground of the Bible-thumping lunatic. Teddy Roosevelt would no more recognize the modern Republican party than he would a fucking iPad. "What is this thing? What function does it serve? What do I do with this?"

Then again, knowing Roosevelt, if he didn't recognize it, his solution probably would have been to simply pull out an elephant gun and shoot it. Maybe he and The Nuge are kindred spirits after all.

A Nugget of Nuge

I haven't updated this in a while because Uncle Ted has been surprisingly quiet, but here's another steaming little turdlet of Nugent wisdom from that Royal Flush interview a couple months back:

I am always right and I am addicted to logic. Jann Wenner won’t do a story on my sold-out tour this year because I’m on the board of directors at the NRA. Jann Wenner should die.

I should point out that the quote appears exactly as written above in the interview, and it's not taken out of context (he's responding to the question "What do you say to people that disagree with your opinions?"). That's right: Ted went immediately from "I am addicted to logic" to "another human being should be killed because he wasn't interested in my shitty tour". Wenner, the head of Rolling Stone magazine, may very well have a problem with Ted's position on the board of the NRA. But I bet his refusal to cover your tour, Nuge, has more to do with the fact that "Cat Scratch Fever" came out 33 fucking years ago and it's still your biggest hit. I dunno. Maybe. I'm no logic addict like Ted; I have yet to publicly advocate the killing of anyone. Wait, no! I at least once have said I'd like to punch Osama bin Laden to death. That totally counts. LOGIC!

This Dude Thinks Our President Belongs In Jail

Clearly the face of someone qualified to decide who does and does not go to jail.

Ol' Uncle Ted couldn't even make it to the new year before opening his big yap once more about President Obama, using the President's full name in the passive-aggressive way so many arch-conservatives do, because I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT HIS MIDDLE NAME IS "HUSSEIN" WHICH IS A COMMON AFRICAN NAME BELONGING TO MANY MIDDLE EASTERNERS, ONE OF WHOM WAS A DICTATOR THE USA HAD PROBLEMS WITH!!!!!11 Well, we had problems with Saddam Hussein long after the Republicans the Nuge loves so much sold him a shitload of weapons, but never mind. After all, those same Republicans once sent our troops to fight alongside Osama bin Laden, so I can hardly... hey wait a minute... Osama... Obama... holy shit, WHY HAS NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS YET?!?!?!??#e@##$@($

Anyhoo, Ted had captured a fawn in a 3'x3' mesh cage and was jabbing at it with a crudely-carved spear on Dec. 29th when someone with a microphone wandered by and requested "Hey Ted, say something stupid or crazy!" (The preceding sentence is speculation based on logic and past behavior.) Ted generously covered both, with the following quote:

"I think that Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama. This country should be ashamed. I wanna throw up."

Hokay. Wow. Ted? You can't be thrown in jail for being a Communist, Ted. Even if the President was one (which he isn't), there's simply nothing illegal about it. You're allowed to believe whatever you want to believe in America, Ted, and I know that causes you no end of grief. If you're looking to live in a country that throws people in the slammer for having political beliefs contrary to the majority, you should probably move to, oh, say... China. You may recognize China as the home of that Mao guy you seem so horrified by yet whom you seem to be channeling. You fucking idiot.

Shut the Fuck Up, Ted Nugent

Hi there. Welcome to Shut the Fuck Up, Ted Nugent, where I will be telling this gentleman to shut the fuck up on a regular basis.


Clearly, someone needs to be telling this asshole to shut his stupid-assed mouth. Even knowing nothing about his politics or his lifestyle, you can tell he's way overdue for some STFU.

Now, a few of you may be wondering, "Why? Isn't this the guy who wrote 'Cat Scratch Fever'? What's your problem with him?" A fair enough question. Putting his horrendous, racist politics aside (and I'll only be putting them aside briefly, believe me), Ted seems like a fun guy. He's outdoorsy, manic, and loves rock and roll. But make no mistake: the badass, rebellious troublemaker is nothing more than a character, and a caricature at that, no more based in reality than Larry the Cable Guy or Jar Jar Binks. Ted likes to pretend he's a hardass psycho who's not afraid of anything; why, then, did he go to such great lengths to dodge the draft when called upon to serve his country? Ted also likes to pretend that he's some kind of master hunter / survivalist extraordinaire; why, then, does he organize and lead canned hunts, which any true hunter knows are too despicably easy to qualify as hunting? And finally, to get back to his politics, why does this supposedly staunch arch-conservative feel that everyone else needs to live by morals he himself has never even tried to live up to?

Playing dress-up is fun when you need to feel pretty, but not so good when you expect people to take your playtime games seriously. Ted Nugent is a bullshitter, a hypocrite, a pretender, and above all else, a gigantic pussy. Someone needs to be telling him to shut his fucking lying whore face on a regular basis, so that's what I'll be doing. Enjoy!