Sunday, April 11, 2010

Crisis Narrowly Averted (By Virtue of Not Being Real)

Oh fuck, no. Please, dear God, no.

I didn't think there could be a shittier president than George W. Bush, who basically spent 8 years wiping his balls with the Constitution and dreaming up new enemies to scare the piss out of everyone with. Well, Chuck Eddy of Rhapsody thought of someone. Three guesses who.

I knew going in that this could only be the most thinly disguised of April Fool's jokes, and of course I was right. But that's no excuse. It's possible Eddy could be held liable for any cardiac infarctions, any suicides, any large intestines shit clean out of the bowels of anyone who came across the article and thought it was real. I mean, I like a good prank, but come on. April Fool's Day is supposed to be about good-natured fun, not about brain-melting fucking terror.

I like how our Photoshopper up there has put Palin on the ticket with The Nuge. Because the only thing that makes more sense than running a gun-felching psycho for vice-president is running a childlike simpleton for president. I know it's not nice to make fun of the retarded, but seriously, Sarah Palin is retarded, and so is anyone who wants to vote for her. More retarded than an Adult Children of Thalidomide Drinkers meeting. More retarded than a Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job! cast party. More retarded than whatever ungodly monstrosities they have to scrape out of Palin's womb every six months and bury beneath a full moon immersed in a jar of formaldehyde and holy water. I guess what I'm saying is she's not particularly bright.

As for shutting the fuck up, Uncle Ted had a surprisingly painless interview recently wherein he volunteered some fairly fascinating information about his music (fascinating if you care about his music, which I don't, but I am aware that many do). I will also admit to being envious of that sweet-looking hollow-body Les Paul Ted is playing. Fair is fair, and that looks like a badass guitar. Really, the only thing in this interview I have real beef with is when he says:
An honest look at effective environmentalism would surely show that Republicans have a much better track record than the Democrats. Teddy Roosevelt safeguarded more critical wildlife habitat (sic) than any American ever.
I'm really, really fucking tired of modern Republicans taking credit for what old-school Republicans did before the party descended into religious fervor and became the stomping ground of the Bible-thumping lunatic. Teddy Roosevelt would no more recognize the modern Republican party than he would a fucking iPad. "What is this thing? What function does it serve? What do I do with this?"

Then again, knowing Roosevelt, if he didn't recognize it, his solution probably would have been to simply pull out an elephant gun and shoot it. Maybe he and The Nuge are kindred spirits after all.