Wednesday, January 6, 2010

This Dude Thinks Our President Belongs In Jail

Clearly the face of someone qualified to decide who does and does not go to jail.

Ol' Uncle Ted couldn't even make it to the new year before opening his big yap once more about President Obama, using the President's full name in the passive-aggressive way so many arch-conservatives do, because I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT HIS MIDDLE NAME IS "HUSSEIN" WHICH IS A COMMON AFRICAN NAME BELONGING TO MANY MIDDLE EASTERNERS, ONE OF WHOM WAS A DICTATOR THE USA HAD PROBLEMS WITH!!!!!11 Well, we had problems with Saddam Hussein long after the Republicans the Nuge loves so much sold him a shitload of weapons, but never mind. After all, those same Republicans once sent our troops to fight alongside Osama bin Laden, so I can hardly... hey wait a minute... Osama... Obama... holy shit, WHY HAS NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS YET?!?!?!??#e@##$@($

Anyhoo, Ted had captured a fawn in a 3'x3' mesh cage and was jabbing at it with a crudely-carved spear on Dec. 29th when someone with a microphone wandered by and requested "Hey Ted, say something stupid or crazy!" (The preceding sentence is speculation based on logic and past behavior.) Ted generously covered both, with the following quote:
"I think that Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama. This country should be ashamed. I wanna throw up."
Hokay. Wow. Ted? You can't be thrown in jail for being a Communist, Ted. Even if the President was one (which he isn't), there's simply nothing illegal about it. You're allowed to believe whatever you want to believe in America, Ted, and I know that causes you no end of grief. If you're looking to live in a country that throws people in the slammer for having political beliefs contrary to the majority, you should probably move to, oh, say... China. You may recognize China as the home of that Mao guy you seem so horrified by yet whom you seem to be channeling. You fucking idiot.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Shut the Fuck Up, Ted Nugent

Hi there. Welcome to Shut the Fuck Up, Ted Nugent, where I will be telling this gentleman to shut the fuck up on a regular basis.

Clearly, someone needs to be telling this asshole to shut his stupid-assed mouth. Even knowing nothing about his politics or his lifestyle, you can tell he's way overdue for some STFU.

Now, a few of you may be wondering, "Why? Isn't this the guy who wrote 'Cat Scratch Fever'? What's your problem with him?" A fair enough question. Putting his horrendous, racist politics aside (and I'll only be putting them aside briefly, believe me), Ted seems like a fun guy. He's outdoorsy, manic, and loves rock and roll. But make no mistake: the badass, rebellious troublemaker is nothing more than a character, and a caricature at that, no more based in reality than Larry the Cable Guy or Jar Jar Binks. Ted likes to pretend he's a hardass psycho who's not afraid of anything; why, then, did he go to such great lengths to dodge the draft when called upon to serve his country? Ted also likes to pretend that he's some kind of master hunter / survivalist extraordinaire; why, then, does he organize and lead canned hunts, which any true hunter knows are too despicably easy to qualify as hunting? And finally, to get back to his politics, why does this supposedly staunch arch-conservative feel that everyone else needs to live by morals he himself has never even tried to live up to?

Playing dress-up is fun when you need to feel pretty, but not so good when you expect people to take your playtime games seriously. Ted Nugent is a bullshitter, a hypocrite, a pretender, and above all else, a gigantic pussy. Someone needs to be telling him to shut his fucking lying whore face on a regular basis, so that's what I'll be doing. Enjoy!